


One for another

by sharpestdisappearance



Category: Red Dwarf (UK TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Loneliness, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Pining, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:35:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23567701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharpestdisappearance/pseuds/sharpestdisappearance
Summary: Rimmer always loved Lister. It was stupid, he hated the man. But as they adventure space together, something changes.
Relationships: Dave Lister/Arnold Rimmer
Comments: 3
Kudos: 54





	1. Unloveable

**Author's Note:**

> First ever fanfic and I'm crap at writing but thought i would give it a go. Probably quite a few chapters. Set somewhere between BTE and series 10. Rimmer suffers mental health issues. Eventual happy ending.

Rimmer always loved Lister. He only kept up the annoying hatred and anal retentive behaviour in order to cover up how he truly felt. Coming from a family where he never felt loved, he then couldn't express it himself. It was stupid falling in love with the total opposite of himself. Maybe it was because that is what he wanted for himself. To be liked. 

Rimmer was listing all the things Lister had done to smeg him off in the last 24 hours. Lister yawned and rolled his eyes but then again he was used to this type of behaviour from Rimmer. 

‘...Constantly defying your superiors orders’ Rimmer carried on

‘Oh smeg off Rimmer, it's been well over 3 million years and you still want to put me on report every 5 smegging minutes’ Lister replied

‘If you haven't forgotten, I was brought back to keep you sane, and the only way it appears I can do so is by making you stick to my orders, but if you won't listen can't be responsible for what will happen to you’ 

‘Shut the smeg up! I would rather go insane than listen to another word you have to say, so smeg off’

Rimmer left. As soon as he was out the door he felt relieved, he didn't have to keep up his hatred and annoying behaviour when he wasn't in front of the others. He always felt as though everything he did was an act, always some show depending on the situation. With Lister, he couldn't tell him the truth so had to go the complete opposite as to not be suspected. Rimmer wouldn't let his guard down. 

Reaching the sleeping quarters, Rimmer laid down on his bunk and was trying his best not to think about Lister. They had been alone in space for many years now and still, every time Rimmer saw Lister all he wanted to do was spill his true feelings. He was feeling more low recently than he had done in years, comparable to how he felt living at home with his awful parents. After Rimmer divorced his parents at age 14, he went though therapy, was dosed up on anti-depressants and tried to undo the mental damage he suffered. When Rimmer first met Lister he was determined never to fall back into that pain and depression again, he wanted nothing more than to impress him. However, it quickly transpired that Lister hated Rimmer and definitely was not gay. The amount of times Lister would speak of girls, especially Kochanski, who Rimmer had a particular disliking for, would pain him so much he would usually change the subject as quickly as smegging possible. It was clear to Lister back then that Rimmer didn't go for women in the same way he did. But after the death-day drinking incident, when Rimmer spilled his guts while drunk, it was obvious that Rimmer lived and died alone, never being loved. 

Lister entered the sleeping quarters a few hours later and found Rimmer staring into space.

‘You ok, man?’

‘Oh, I’m as merry as the days are long’ Rimmer answered

‘Look smeg head, you need to learn to relax, there’s no reason for orders and reports now. No exams to pass, no officers to answer to. We can please ourselves now and you need to accept that’

‘Smeg off Lister’ 

Rimmer turned away to face the wall. 

‘Whatever Rimmer’ Lister said as he climbed into his own bunk. 

A few hours later, Rimmer was wide awake, listening to the sound of Lister snoring. He tried to distract his mind but his thoughts were racing. Why couldn't he just do what Lister had suggested and just relax? He knew why really, because he couldn't risk letting his guard down even for a minute as he would end up telling Lister how desperately he loved him. The intrusive, obsessive and anxious thoughts were creeping up on him. Rimmer knew he needed to calm down or he would risk a panic attack. When he thought about it, even though he felt down about his unrequited love for Lister, the anxious and depressive side of him hadn’t surfaced for years. When Rimmer was a teenager and then again as a young adult he cut himself as a method of coping. Pain was his oxygen. Then when he was brought back as a hologram he lost his coping mechanism as he could no longer inflict pain on himself, but the ‘flaw’ of his scars were unfortunately replicated, both the physical and mental ones. 

Rimmer knew that Lister must have guessed about his previously self destructive methods of coping. The anal retentive behaviours were also the result of the mess of anxiety and obsession that was Arnold J Rimmer. The thick scars across his arms were obviously self inflicted, but Lister never asked Rimmer about it, probably just as well, no one wants to hear Rimmer’s self loathing, pain and mental distress. Rimmer felt the awful feelings building again, the only thing that brought him any kind of salvation was thinking about Lister. It was hopeless, Lister wasn't even gay for smeg’s sake, and Rimmer was endlessly unloveable and he knew it. Even if, by some form of miracle Lister did love Rimmer, he knew that the emotional baggage would be too much.

Rimmer knew he had no chance with Lister, so in the early hours of the morning he drifted into hologramatic sleep.


	2. The Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rimmer is at an all time low, the panic resurfaces and the only person he trusts helps him when he needs it most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter - again I'm not the best at writing but hopefully its ok. Also this chapter is really sad - didn't quite mean to make it this sad but oh well

Rimmer awoke to feel a wave of depression wash over him, like the sea washing over fresh sand. He had probably slept for less than two hours the whole night, frequently waking with a new intrusive thought.

‘Lister, are you awake?’

Nothing. Probably just as well. Rimmer got up and walked over to the table, realising that simply standing up, walking three steps and sitting took an extraordinary amount of effort. He put his head in his hands and tried to make sense of his thoughts. But then again there is no sense to mental illness. He was lonely, sad, not just unloved but actually despised by those around him. His breathing quickened. Rimmer knew what was coming, he had panic attacks frequently in his youth and here it was again. The racing thoughts, the faster breathing, the heart beating so fast it feels it could burst right out of his chest. He wanted to run and be well away from Lister while it happened but he couldn't get his legs to move. Unbearable shakes and the inability to catch his breath left him in a state of severe panic. 

Several minutes, or what felt like hours passed when Rimmer heard:

‘Rimmer are you ok? What’s happening?’

Rimmer turned his head, still gasping for breath and tried to mouth ‘...Can't...breathe’

Lister jumped down from the bunk and sat beside Rimmer, grabbing his hand saying ‘Are you having a panic attack Rimmer?’

Rimmer nodded, still unable to breathe at a normal rate. The shame of it and the fact that Lister was now holding his hand sent a fresh wave of fear and panic through him. 

'Shall I get Kryten?' Lister questioned. Rimmer shook his head and gasped 'Just...you...' 

Lister guessed that Rimmer didn't want anyone to see him like this. So he gripped Rimmer's hand harder and tried his best to calm him down.

‘It’s ok man, it will be over soon, try and breathe slowly. It will be ok, it will be ok Rimmer I promise you.’ It was probably the first time Lister had actually said something kind to Rimmer, the usual conversation involved the phrase ‘smeg off Rimmer’.

After a few minutes Rimmer’s breathing returned somewhat to normal and he tried to string a sentence together.

‘I'm sorry Lister. I don’t want you to see me like this. I can't believe this just happened again’

‘What do you mean again? And what the smeg are you apologising for?’

‘This used to happen to me rather a lot when I was younger but I haven't had one in years. And I’m apologising because I’m meant to be your superior and the one to keep you sane, and I'm the one who cant bloody breathe’

Then he took his hand away from Listers and avoided looking in his eye as he waited for a response.

‘Rimmer, we are literally alone in space, there's only the four of us. We have to look out for each other now… Do you want to talk things over?’

Rimmer shook his head ‘I can't, I just cant put it into words’

‘Rimmer, look at me and listen’ Rimmer raised his head and looked into the eyes of the man he loved more than anything. 

Lister continued ‘I've never asked you about your past issues, but I've seen the scars across your arms, they aren't from someone who had a happy life. I always wanted to leave you to your own feelings, I felt it was none of my business. But if you ever, and I mean ever want to tell me, I'm here for you. I won't leave you, I promise’

Rimmer nodded slowly ‘I know Lister, but I'm just not ready to talk yet’

‘Ok man, I think you need to get some rest and just relax for the rest of the day’

‘But…’ Rimmer felt another surge of panic about wasting a full day.

‘But nothing, I order you to lay down and sleep it off, you must be exhausted’

‘Lister you can't order me, I outrank you’ but he obliged and walked over to his bunk.

Lister stood in the doorway of the sleeping quarters.

‘Listy?’

‘Yeah man?’

‘Thankyou’

‘Don't worry about it’ Lister paused ‘I love ya smeghead’

Then he turned and left. 

Rimmer closed his eyes and for once he felt the unbearable pain lift, although ever so slightly.


	3. Broken Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rimmer reflects on how things have changed and the differences between him and Lister.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Third chapter - i've changed the direction of what i was originally going to write for this fic but i think its better this way. Again this is quite sad but the next chapter should be somewhat happier :)

Rimmer awoke to find it was the middle of the night. What had happened the night before? Then he remembered, the racing heart, the inability to breathe, and Lister being there. ‘Holy shit’ he thought as he realised Lister saw him having a panic attack. And even worse Lister told Rimmer that he loves him. This was evidently worse as he knew Lister didn't mean it the way Rimmer wanted. But Rimmer wondered what Lister thought about seeing him in a complete state of panic. 

‘He must think even less of me now’ 

Rimmer got up from his bunk and changed. Even though it was now 2 am, there was no way he would go back to sleep after sleeping for most of the day and night. He glanced at Lister sleeping. He was an utter slob. Even though Rimmer hated him, he knew that their relationship had changed dramatically. If Rimmer were to have a panic attack when he first met Lister he knew there would have been a completely different outcome than what had happened. Rimmer wondered how much they had changed over the time they spent together in space. Surely he couldn't have changed that much, Rimmer had been dead for most of it. Still, Lister had changed, yes he was the same smegging layabout. But Lister knew that he was a good man, would never intentionally harm anyone, and Lister knew his own morals. Rimmer recalled the events of Justice World. Lister couldn't kill someone unarmed, it went against his whole philosophy, if it could even be called that. If Rimmer had been hard light at the time, he definitely would have shot the droid in the back. What did that make him? Someone capable of taking a life? Rimmer wondered if his own philosophy was selfish - the conclusion, he realised, that he was self centred, neurotic and immoral. Was this his low self esteem talking? Or was it undoubtedly true? That's the thing about depression, it creeps up on you and makes you doubt everything about yourself. And question whether you have any good in you at all. Rimmer turned away and left the sleeping quarters. Desperate to run away from his thoughts.

He ended up in one of the officers quarters well away from the others. Rimmer sat alone and thought about the difference between him and Lister. It was just like when he compared Lister to the fried egg chilli chutney sandwich. While Rimmer tried so desperately to be liked he ended up a depressed maniac despised by everyone. But Lister with his laid back and slobby attitude was liked by everyone. But Rimmer loved him for it. Lister was a good person, he had morals. Rimmer only cared about himself and he hated that. This sort of thinking used to lead to the cutting. Each negative thought about himself needed to be punished, for his total failure at life. Must be a consequence of the brutal upbringing he had from his parents. ‘No’ Rimmer thought, while he did blame his background on his failings, that was just a deflection from the truth. That being that his failings were only down to him.

How could Rimmer ever imagine that Lister would like him, let alone love him. Yes, Lister did say he loved him but he didn’t mean it. It was one of those comforting things that people say but its not genuine. Like when they were escaping from Rimmerworld and all three of them pretended to truthfully love him. But it wasn't real. Rimmer had never felt so awful when he realised it was only an escape plan, to destroy his self loathing. But the beast came back and it was worse. The low feeling constantly. The others hadn't noticed. Then again Lister obviously knew something was troubling Rimmer. The panic in him started rising again. Faster breathing. Heart racing. In that moment as the overwhelming panic and fear set in, Rimmer only wanted Lister. But he was alone. As he always would be. This was the worst panic attack Rimmer had ever experienced. He stood up to try and call for Lister but fainted and fell to the ground.


	4. Revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rimmer wakes up in the medi-bay. Followed by a heart to heart with Lister and a revelation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a lot longer than the others but I really loved writing this. Were getting somewhat to a happy ending. Last chapter should be up soon. :)

Lister was standing over Rimmer in the medi-bay wondering how things had got to this point. How could Rimmer have felt so low? And how did he not do something to help him. Lister wasn't stupid, he knew that Rimmer must have been depressed before and it was obvious how Rimmer was unloved. That must have wrecked him, never being loved while he was alive, and then for it to continue into his death. But Lister did love him, he was his best friend. Not that Lister would ever behave that way, they did have a better relationship now than in the past. But still Lister had to keep annoying him, it was what kept him going. But what kept Rimmer going?

Rimmer opened his eyes, the bright lights of the medi-bay were blinding. He sat up quickly and had a head-rush adding to his confusion.

‘Lister?...What happened to me? Where am I?’ Rimmer questioned

‘It’s okay Rimmer, you're in the medi-bay. You must have fainted after having another panic attack. Do you remember what happened?’

‘Not really’ Rimmer did remember, the pain, the panic, the fear. He started to panic again.

‘Rimmer man… You need to calm down, I can tell you are going to end up even worse than you already are. I’m going to get Kryten’

‘Don’t go Listy, please don't leave me’

‘Don’t worry, I’ll be back in a few minutes’ Lister responded

‘Please...don't…go’ The panic was starting, Rimmer gasped for breath in between each word.

‘Why’

Rimmer paused and closed his eyes, he knew he had to tell him, there wasn't anything to lose now.

‘Because I love you’

Lister was in shock. Rimmer...loves….him. What the hell. He was very unsure as to how to respond. Lister’s thoughts were racing. How could he leave Rimmer now? 

Lister didn't say anything in response to Rimmer but started yelling for Kryten. After a few moments of Lister calling, Kryten came rushing into the medi-bay. Rimmer was hyperventilating. Lister had never seen him so bad.

‘Mr Rimmer, I’m going to give you some anti-anxiety medication to help calm you down’ Kryten injected something into Rimmer’s arm

‘No’ Rimmer gasped while shaking his head. His protests were useless, in the next few moments he started to breathe at a normal rate and felt very drowsy. Lister went over to the bed and held Rimmer’s hand. He started to think about his relationship with Rimmer. All those times Rimmer kept up a front, it must have been a cover for his feelings. 

‘Smegging hell’ Lister thought. It was so clear to him now. Lister had always thought of Rimmer as the one he was closest to even though they kept up the act of hating each other. But did Lister love Rimmer? Ok, Lister admitted to himself that on occasion, or quite often, he had found Rimmer attractive. And that his annoying habits had made Rimmer special. When Rimmer left to become Ace, he missed him. A lot. Even more than he had admitted to the others. But was that love? Lister wasn't sure.

Rimmer started to come round. Lister was still holding his hand.

‘I’m sorry Listy’

‘There is absolutely nothing to be sorry for. I don't want you to ever apologise again for this.’ Lister paused ‘How do you feel now Rimmer?’

‘Like twice boiled shit’ Rimmer responded and Lister laughed an uneasy giggle.

‘Do you want to go back to the sleeping quarters?’ Lister questioned, knowing Rimmer would hate being in the medi-bay.

‘Yes, I hate the medi-bay, it reminds me of hospital and I could never stand hospitals’ Rimmer remembered the times he had been in hospital. The panic attacks, the slashed wrists, the concerned looks of doctors. And most of all, the shame and the judgement of those who thought he was a failure for getting so low. It was as though his failures were seen in how people responded to him. In hospital, it was always a fast procedure. Calm down, pills, bandaged up, psych evaluation and being discharged. Not actually a solution to the problem. 

He felt the same now.

Kryten took Rimmer back to the sleeping quarters in a wheelchair, with Lister following not saying much. Rimmer got out of the wheelchair and staggered over to his bunk, sitting up on the edge. It was so painful, he was mentally and physically exhausted. 

‘Make sure you get lots of rest Mr Rimmer. Drink a lot of water and take these tablets every four hours’ Kryten told Rimmer as he put a bottle of pills on the table.

Rimmer didn't say anything. He knew about those pills, previously he had all kinds of prescriptions. Not that they did much. 

‘Thanks Kryten man, I’ll look after him’ Lister responded for him. Kryten left the sleeping quarters leaving the two men alone. But who would be the first to break the silence?

A few moments of awkward silence stopped when Lister asked ‘Why?’

‘Why what?’ Rimmer was confused

‘Why would you do this to yourself? Getting into this state? When you could have just talked to me. You must know I wouldn't judge you about anything like this.’

‘I didn’t do it to myself’ Rimmer lied, he knew deep down that it was his own fault. There was no one but himself to blame. He was broken.

‘I’m sorry Rimsy, I didn't mean it like that. I just wish you would have come to me to tell me things were this bad.’

Rimmer knew he had to tell Lister about his problems, he couldnt keep it bottled up any longer   
‘I think I might be ready to talk now’

Rimmer walked over to the table and sat across from Lister. 

‘I don't really know where to start’ Rimmer had felt this way for so long he couldn't recall when it actually started.

‘It’s okay, go in your own time. Why don't you start from the beginning?’. Lister was actually nervous about what Rimmer would reveal.

‘I guess I was always an anxious child because of the way my father raised me and my brothers. It seemed to work with my brothers but not with me. Then it got worse, the panic and the depression. I felt low all the time, I was bullied at school and at home and it was awful. Then when I was 13 I started doing this to myself’ Rimmer rolled up his sleeve to reveal the thick white scars from long ago. ‘It was just after I started having panic attacks’

‘It is in no way your fault though Rimmer’ Lister tried to reassure Rimmer.

Rimmer avoided responding to Lister’s comment. 

‘As you know I divorced them when I was 14, but I was messed up big style. I was dosed up on pills just like these’ He picked up the pill bottle and almost looked fondly at them. ‘Then when I was trying to pass the exams to become an officer, the panic was worse. That's why I failed so many times. Couldn’t concentrate enough to revise, and then it was so overwhelming in the exam. I felt like a complete failure’

‘Those exams don't mean a smegging thing Rimmer. You are not a failure, not in the slightest’

‘Name one thing that I’ve done successfully’

‘Why were you brought back as a hologram?’

‘To keep you sane’

‘Well don't you think you've done that? We are still here, I’m not insane even though I’m the last human and you have been by my side the whole time. You are my best mate Rimmer’

‘Don't you understand that I’m broken? Failure after failure made me like this. Completely neurotic and a control freak. I don't know any other way to cope. You might as well turn me off’

‘Don’t talk like that ever Rimmer. I need you. Nothing is broken so much that it can't be fixed. We will work through this. Together.'

‘Are you sure? I know we've been alone in space for all this time but I don’t want to burden you with my issues. And i don't know if i can ever get better’

‘You will get better Rimmer, I promise. I will be here every step of the smegging way’

Rimmer smiled for the first time in forever. But Lister knew he needed to ask Rimmer about the dreaded L-word.

‘What you said earlier, about...being in love with me, did you mean it?’

‘Of course I did, I only pretended to hate you to cover it up. I knew that you didn't feel the same. Because I’ve always known I’m unloveable and couldn't let myself be hurt again, especially not by you’ Rimmer looked down, avoiding meeting eyes with Lister.

Before Lister was confused about how he felt about Rimmer, whether he was a friend because of the situation they were in or whether he wanted something more. It suddenly hit him that their closeness was love, the way he wanted to protect Rimmer now and help him wasn't just because he was his mate. 

He knew now that he wanted to be there for Rimmer, as more than a friend. Lister was sure that he would never hurt him or let anyone hurt him ever again. Now Lister was certain about his feelings.

‘I love you Rimmer’


	5. Where do we go from here?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Lister's revelation, Rimmer doesn't know what to say but Listy is there for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for not updating this fic for ages - online uni exams took over and I had no time to write. But I've finally finished this story and I loved writing it, thanks to anyone who read it and enjoyed it, I'm really grateful.

Rimmer is shocked ‘I’m sorry….what?’

Lister repeats himself ‘I love you’

‘Don’t say that if you don’t mean it, and I know you don't mean it’ Rimmer can't bear rejection or false hope. It's eaiser to assume everyone is lying when they say nice things to him, including declarations of love, not that it has ever happened before.

‘I do Rimmer, I wasn’t sure before but I am now. I am completely smegging in love with you’

‘I….’ Rimmer pauses, lost for something to respond ‘I’m totally unlovable, just look at the state of me, panic attacks and scars. You don’t love me you just feel sorry for me and the smegging mess I’ve made of my life’

‘Rimmer, stop with the self-loathing for one second and think about what I’m saying - you love me and I love you’

Rimmer looks up at Lister, full of insecurity, fear and anxiety. When their eyes meet, the pair both swiftly lean forward with their lips crashing together. Desperate and needy, Rimmer and Lister feel they never want to stop, finally the years of tension between the two are let out. Rimmer isn’t used to this but is encouraged by the other man's passionate actions. It feels like this moment was destined to happen, all his life Rimmer wanted to be loved, to be kissed, to be touched and now it was actually happening. 

They break apart, still desperately panting and breathing heavily. Rimmer rests his forehead on Lister’s, with tears rolling down his cheeks.

‘I love you, I love you, I love you. Please don’t leave me Listy’

‘I’m not going anywhere, you smeghead’ Lister responds.

‘But I’m a mess, i don’t understand how you could want me’ Rimmer still can't believe this is real, someone like Lister couldn't possibly want him.

‘I’m going to help you through this Rimsy, I don’t care that you have issues, I’m not perfect myself. I will never leave you, not now, not ever’

‘But what about my…..’ Rimmer nodded towards his arm, still with his scars visible

‘You really think I care about that? You know me Rimmer, probably better than I know myself, I dont give a flying fuck about that. We will get you better though, together.

‘But…..’

Rimmer was cut off by another desperate and longing kiss

When they parted Lister said ‘But nothing, I love you, without condition’

‘I love you too Listy’

Finally Rimmer knew what his life was for. The purpose and reason to exist he had been searching for all his life was right in front of him, even if it had taken this long to realise it. Rimmer existed for Lister, one for another.


End file.
